August 2019 – Week 35

This week should have been a good one. Our new au pair arrived on Monday and she is just great. She has not been driven mad by the boys in the last seven days and she deserves infinite brownie points that not even the antics of the man who doesn’t know how to use a hairbrush currently residing in No 10 Downing Street put her off crossing the channel and – hopefully – going with us through the next school year. And we are actually all set for the new curriculum to start, which is a first.

Still, it’s been an entirely shit week. The big D has come out of nowhere again, with no warning, no reason, completely out of the blue, taking hold again in the back of my head and making it yet again so difficult to see why exactly I am doing this. I should be happy and instead I just feel either numb or this horrible pain that does not want to budge. This cycle is just repeating itself on a regular basis now and every time the respite I get in between gets shorter and shorter. I am tired of it. And frustrated. Angry. Helpless. Resentful. It doesn’t seem fair. I have enough on my plate as it is, why do I have to deal with this as well?

I know I should probably go back to my GP, but honestly I don’t think I can be bothered. It is not going to help or get better. Maybe for a short time and then it will come back again and it will throw me even more because I just want to get well. Be normal. Not having a constant thunderstorm of darkness in my head that makes me think the strangest, most horrible things I can possibly come up with and worst of all, sometimes I even believe them no matter how absurd they are.

I am forever grateful though that I have people in my life I can call on is these moments and luckily they are able to make me see that all this shit going on in my brain is just that. S-H-I-T. I sincerely hope they know how much I love them for being there for me and never give up on me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without them. Here is to a better week.

Much love marvelous people. Candidly yours, TC.


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