August 2019

Summer holidays week 3. We are spending the week in the North of France in a cute little house right by the beach. Should be utterly blissful, alas it is not. Being in a confined space with a lot of people for a long time is not particularly good for me. Even if we are talking about my family. My parents and my sons are all lovely on their own but put them together for  longer period of time, they clash. Generational issues, different opinions and strong characters all come together. And I am the buffer in the middle who has to be permanently available to negotiate, mediate and smooth things over.

The problem with that is that a holiday is not really a holiday when you are constantly on guard. If, like me, you suffer from depression, you will know that your levels of stress and anxiety reach unbearable limits. For me, in day to day life, I can counteract that by regularly retreating and getting some time to myself to recharge. Which has been impossible this week and things came to a head on Thursday when I walked out on the lot of them to have a stroll on the beach by myself.

Only a temporary fix and while it shook up the male members of my family my mum was a lot less impressed and we had a bit of a row afterwards. Deep breaths and tongue biting included. The Friday went relatively peacefully and Saturday coming meant we were going back home.  The boys had a good time and that was the most important thing. The journey back wasn’t as smooth as hoped – the weather made the crossing a bit rough and we were sitting outside Dover for over four hours before we were allowed to enter the harbour due to the strong winds.

But we got home eventually and were greeted by a very cuddles needing cat. Chilling was the order of the day until Sunday afternoon when the boys went to their dads for the next part of their summer holidays. Time to breathe for me.

———-

If there are any benefits in being divorced it is being able to share the summer holidays with your kids dads – so after the last two weeks in 24/7 contact with them (yes I DO love them very much) they are now invading their fathers privacy and I am quite grateful for the peace and quiet I am getting for the next two weeks.

I do admit I had the best intentions for this week being very busy and active and addressing all those things that need doing around the house and have been waiting patiently for my attention for weeks (or months, years…) but hey ho I have done hardly anything other than work, eat and sleep. I also have to admit that I have been rather lazy on the exercise front and only been on two runs so the good work I have done over the last few weeks has pretty much entirely come undone in front of my eyes and I am rather cross with myself for that.

But then there’s always next week, so I think I’m just going to have just a little bit more cake to at least make it worth my while having fallen off the wagon.  In my defense for my laziness – other than I completely deserved a week of chilling and Netflix – I have worked overnight for several days and it just throws you absolutely out of sync. Oh I did start sorting out cooking books (please do not ask why this is top of my priorities because I really haven’t got the faintest idea) and I have been quite ruthless with that. Do you know how many books about cookies I threw out? Seven. But don’t fret, I still have another half dozen that stayed on the shelf….

It has been really cute that my older two have been keeping me updated on their week by Whatsapp although it does still surprise them that more often than not they call me while I am at work and my older one even made a dairy-free custard tart with his nan and brought a piece round for me to try – I have to say it was absolutely delicious!

Here is to another week of silence and the cat overwhelming me with his love (he is such a little cuddle ball these days).

———

If there are any benefits in being divorced it is being able to share the summer holidays with your kids dads – so after the last two weeks in 24/7 contact with them (yes I DO love them very much) they are now invading their fathers privacy and I am quite grateful for the peace and quiet I am getting for the next two weeks.

I do admit I had the best intentions for this week being very busy and active and addressing all those things that need doing around the house and have been waiting patiently for my attention for weeks (or months, years…) but hey ho I have done hardly anything other than work, eat and sleep. I also have to admit that I have been rather lazy on the exercise front and only been on two runs so the good work I have done over the last few weeks has pretty much entirely come undone in front of my eyes and I am rather cross with myself for that.

But then there’s always next week, so I think I’m just going to have just a little bit more cake to at least make it worth my while having fallen off the wagon.  In my defense for my laziness – other than I completely deserved a week of chilling and Netflix – I have worked overnight for several days and it just throws you absolutely out of sync. Oh I did start sorting out cooking books (please do not ask why this is top of my priorities because I really haven’t got the faintest idea) and I have been quite ruthless with that. Do you know how many books about cookies I threw out? Seven. But don’t fret, I still have another half dozen that stayed on the shelf….

It has been really cute that my older two have been keeping me updated on their week by Whatsapp although it does still surprise them that more often than not they call me while I am at work and my older one even made a dairy-free custard tart with his nan and brought a piece round for me to try – I have to say it was absolutely delicious!

Here is to another week of silence and the cat overwhelming me with his love (he is such a little cuddle ball these days).

———-

This week should have been a good one. Our new au pair arrived on Monday and she is just great. She has not been driven mad by the boys in the last seven days and she deserves infinite brownie points that not even the antics of the man who doesn’t know how to use a hairbrush currently residing in No 10 Downing Street put her off crossing the channel and – hopefully – going with us through the next school year. And we are actually all set for the new curriculum to start, which is a first.

Still, it’s been an entirely shit week. The big D has come out of nowhere again, with no warning, no reason, completely out of the blue, taking hold again in the back of my head and making it yet again so difficult to see why exactly I am doing this. I should be happy and instead I just feel either numb or this horrible pain that does not want to budge. This cycle is just repeating itself on a regular basis now and every time the respite I get in between gets shorter and shorter. I am tired of it. And frustrated. Angry. Helpless. Resentful. It doesn’t seem fair. I have enough on my plate as it is, why do I have to deal with this as well?

I know I should probably go back to my GP, but honestly I don’t think I can be bothered. It is not going to help or get better. Maybe for a short time and then it will come back again and it will throw me even more because I just want to get well. Be normal. Not having a constant thunderstorm of darkness in my head that makes me think the strangest, most horrible things I can possibly come up with and worst of all, sometimes I even believe them no matter how absurd they are.

I am forever grateful though that I have people in my life I can call on is these moments and luckily they are able to make me see that all this shit going on in my brain is just that. S-H-I-T. I sincerely hope they know how much I love them for being there for me and never give up on me. I honestly don’t know where I would be without them. Here is to a better week.

Much love marvelous people. Candidly yours, TC.

 

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