Nov 2018 – Week 47

I am sorry to let you know the theme of doom and gloom in my head is just continuing this week. I feel pretty much as crappy as I did before, but now I am also physically completely exhausted because working when other people sleep and trying to sleep when other people work doesn’t agree with me at all and I’m still a little emotionally drained from all the things going on with the Cowboy and he is yet again on the quiet side – but then it has been the anniversary of his dad passing away earlier this month so I should give him some space. Unfortunately I get little bits of shit by my previous husbands thrown at me at the minute as well. How is it they always seem to know when is a good time to kick me just that bit more in the stomach?

I really wish sometimes you could just take a time out from life, recharge your batteries and when you feel rested and stronger come back to where you left off giving it another go. Somehow it just doesn’t work that way (I would seriously consider sacrificing a goat every week for a chance or two at a ‘Beam me back Scotty’) so we have to keep muddling along hoping for the best.

I am genuinely trying to sort myself out, you know the whole deep breathing, it all happens for a reason, other people are so much worse of blah blah blah; but it’s not working and I just wake up feeling doomed and go to sleep feeling cursed. Sorry about that. I just cancelled the Christmas party I have been doing for 8 years in a row because I am just not feeling it this year. I guess that is what makes it so much worse – it’s the time of the year when we are all meant to be cheerful and happy and full of forgiveness and grace and whatever else and there is me being sad and gloomy and channeling my inner Mrs Scrooge with great success.

What doesn’t help is that I feel pretty alone at the moment. Not alone actually, lonely. Abandoned really. By everyone. Like I’m the last option for everyone to go to and only call or knock on my door when they have a problem or need help but other than that they rather spend time with their real friends.

Very much doom and gloom all over. I know that. There is only one little light at the end of the tunnel. Five weeks from now, we go into a new year. A clean slate. A chance to start all over again. And I still have a little bit of optimism left to believe that it can be all good. Until then, I am cursed and doomed and sad and cry when I want to and Christmas can go screw itself. It comes around every year anyway.

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